Lessons of Kakashi
by Jigoku Hikari
Summary: Kakashi's teachings on the disorders of Squad 7.


**Summary:** Kakashi's teachings on the disorders of Squad 7.

**Word Count:** 2,281

**Rated K+ **

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any characters used in this fic

**Lessons of Kakashi**

"Hello, readers," the Sharingan Warrior calmly greeted. "I can't believe you've stuck around and watched this anime this long. Maybe it's because you've a fondness for one or two of the people running around here like wild, undomesticated baboons." His visible eye closed as he sighed. "I fear that I'm the only sane one here."

There was a crash in the kitchen behind him, making him sigh again. Sakura screamed, there was the sound of metal hitting a cabinet, and Sasuke following the sound with "Fire Style- Fireball Jutsu!" More screaming filled the house.

The silver-haired jounin opened his eye and cleared his throat, obviously ignoring the chaos around him. "Being the only one here _calm_ and not hyped up on that foul thing called _Pixie Stix_, I have taken it upon me to identify the… _disorders_ unique to every person here. I will _also_ diagnose a _treatment_ for said disorders. I'm sure you'll find me to be very accurate, as well as enlightening. Now, for lesson one-"

"**I'M GONNA GET YOU, SASUKE!**" Naruto yelled, running in a full sprint at said Uchiha heir. He went to run right in front of Kakashi, but his sensei easily caught the back of the collar of his favorite jacket to pull him to a stop. He was instantly unequipped of his frying pan, and the stash of Pixie Stix was taken out of his pocket just as quickly. His head whipped around to glare intensely.

"- we will start with the most obvious basketcase here, everyone's favorite hyperactive, knucklehead ninja, Naruto," said Kakashi like he hadn't been interrupted at all. The objects that were taken from the blonde were casually tossed back to the couch.

"**I AM NOT A BASKETCASE!**" Naruto continued to yell.

Kakashi still had a hold of his jacket to keep him in place. "Calm _down_, Naruto, and stop yelling." Just out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Sasuke on the stairs with his tongue out and a finger pulling down the lower lid of his right eye. "And stop provoking him, Sasuke."

"Yeah, _Sasuke_," said Naruto. He pulled away from Kakashi's grasp and smirked at said teammate. "And you shouldn't stick your tongue out unless you plan to put it to good use."

Sasuke's tongue instantly disappeared. He reverted to his usual cold glare before darting upstairs.

Naruto grinned in triumph before turning to his sensei. "So what do you want Kaka-huh?"

Kakashi slipped something over the blonde's head to make him stop. It was a simple piece of rope connected to a large piece of cardboard as big as the preteen's torso. In big, bold, black letters, the sign read, '**OCD & ADHD**'.

"I think Naruto here as obsessive-compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactive disorder," the jounin officially said, hand on Naruto's left shoulder. "The OCD explains why he constantly says 'Believe it!' to the point where everyone in the vicinity suddenly gets the urge to stab their jugular with a kunai. It also explains his constant announcing that he's going to be the next hokage… Believe it."

Naruto looked down at the sign hanging on him. "But sensei, I-!"

"And the ADHD…" Kakashi continued, "Well… that's self-explanatory."

"I don't have _either_ of those, sensei!"

Kakashi reached for the pouch attached to his lower back. "And _now_, for _treatment_-…" In a flash, he pulled Naruto against his body and held him there, prying his mouth open. Before the preteen could squirm or yell, a large pill bottle was emptied into his mouth. The bottle had a large label, as if it was for the hard of seeing. In the same block letters as the ones on the sign, the label read '**RITALIN**'. The jounin pulled a tall glass of cold water out of nowhere and poured it directly after the pills to wash it all down.

"You see," said Kakashi as his student forcefully swallowed it all and had a coughing fit, "only one pill fixes the problem _temporarily_. So, if more than one pill is taken at one _time_, it would fix the problem for much longer." He reached back for the frying pan and pixie stix that he'd confiscated and handed them to Naruto. "Here you go, Naruto. Run off and play."

Cerulean blinked, clearly dazed after what had just happened. His eyes silently fell to the frying pan. The sight of it triggered his memory. "Sasuke!" he yelled, stuffing his candy back into his pocket. He ran upstairs.

A single eye stared after him. "… Maybe once the meds kick in, it'll cure his one-track mind…" he said thoughtfully. "Oh well." He pulled out his favorite book and flipped it open to the page he was last on. "We'll just wait for our next lesson to come along…"

He didn't have to wait long. More banging due to the frying pan was easily heard. Girls screamed their anger. Iruka's yelling above everything else, "**Watch where you're swinging that thing!**" A groan of utmost pain followed, making the girls scream again. "**YOU BETTER HOPE HE CAN STILL HAVE CHILDREN, NARUTO!**" Said person's laugh of triumph sounded, but it was instantly stopped.

Sakura came running down the stairs. She stopped after she got off the last step, putting her hands on her knees and panted like she'd just run for miles. "It's just… too insane up there…" she huffed. "Poor Sasuke…" she added in a whine.

Kakashi closed his book. "Sakura, could you come here for a second?" he asked kindly.

The kunoichi stood and calmed her breathing. "Yeah, sure. What is it, Kakashi-sensei?" She walked over to him.

He put a hand on her shoulder like he'd done with Naruto. "Lesson two is the smartest kunoichi around, Sakura." She beamed at his compliment. "She _is_ very intelligent, remembering everything that's taught to her, perfect chakra control, strong in her own way… But she has one single flaw." Her grin dropped, now looking offended. "Sakura here has 'Sasukeitis', which is _extremely _similar, almost _alike_, to OCD." His eye closed. "I am sad to say that most girls at this age have it, so I deduct that it's _extremely_ contagious."

"What _are_ you rambling on about?" Sakura cut in. "There's no such thing as-!"

A sign built like Naruto's was put over her head to hang off her neck. This one said '**SASUKEITIS**'. Teal glared at her sensei as he reached for his pouch. "I've done some research," he said, "and have found that there is no cure. Well, there _is _a cure, but I don't think Sasuke would be too happy being **dead**. However- "He revealed that he'd pulled out a well-made Sasuke plushie. "I think this is a _temporary_ one…"

"Aww…" said Sakura, heart obviously melting at the cute form of her crush. "He's so-!"

He could've been anything, for before she could finish her sentence, Kakashi jammed the plushie into her mouth. "Now you can say that you've at least tasted him," he told her, "brag about _that_ to everyone." He reverted back to talking professional-like again. "If the plushie ever falls out or loses its taste, hopefully its cuteness will be so mesmerizing, she'll keep away from the real Sasuke. I plan on patenting this treatment; it doesn't really _cure_ the disorder, but at least it'll relieve Sasuke of some of his fangirls."

Sakura cast a last glare at him, still with a mouthful of Sasuke, and went back upstairs.

The jounin looked around for a potential new lesson. Mostly everyone was upstairs, chaos and disorder still easily heard. Lee seemed to have popped out of nowhere, though. He was sitting on the floor and a few feet away from the T.V. as he played a random game on the PS2.

"If I do not beat this video game," he announced, "I shall repeatedly beat myself over the head with a blunt object for twenty minutes straight!"

He cast the genin a queer look, wondering what the hell Guy was filling his head with nowadays. Sighing the thought off, he pulled the book out again and started to read.

Not even a paragraph in, Sasuke came back downstairs. It looked like the kick he'd gotten from the candy powder was short, for his expression hinted that he was in his usual mood. Teacher and student noticed each other; Kakashi again put his book away and suppressed a smirk as the Uchiha heir approached him.

Female squealing filled the house, making Sasuke freeze. Loud thuds coming from the ceiling, quickly getting closer to the top of the stairs. Sasuke's moody expression was instantly replaced with terror. "Hide me!" he semi-whispered, darting behind Kakashi like his life was in danger.

"**HAHAHA! I WIN! I GOT IT, I GOT IT!**"

Kakashi felt Sasuke get closer to his back as a stampede of random fangirls ran downstairs after Naruto. He was holding something in the air, but ran by too fast to recognize what it was. The horde of girls apparently knew, racing after him with murderous gleams in their eyes. Some were squealing still, others screaming, as they chased the blonde throughout the first floor. Ino was the first person in the mob, leading them around.

Lee paused the game and looked back to see what the pandemonium was about. "Hello, ladies!" he said. "What're you chasing after Naruto for _now_?"

Ino was the most murderous of them all. She was hot on Naruto's heels as he jumped the couch with a grin. "He has a cup Sasuke backwashed in!" she revealed. More squealing and screaming confirmed this.

The silver-haired jounin chuckled as they raced back upstairs. More thuds, and a crash that most likely meant the knucklehead had been caught. Sasuke came out of hiding with a sigh. Kakashi was pleased to see that Sakura hadn't been part of the mob.

"Moving on to lesson three, we have Sasuke," he said as if nothing had just happened. Said person cocked an eyebrow. "His symptoms are constant bad attitude, condescending tone to everyone, and periods of times where he goes into silent thought. What _he_ is goes by several different names, but in the language that people use today, it's called emo."

Sasuke folded his arms. "Your point…?"

"We're going to make you less… _unpleasant_, maybe even more _appealing_ to your overly large emo-loving fanbase." Out of nowhere, Kakashi pulled out a long stick. It was the length of a meter stick and no wider than a ping-pong ball. Its bark was a rich dark brown, and was relatively straight save for a few kinks. He looked at it fondly, Sasuke's stare skeptical.

Iruka slowly came downstairs, making all attention go to him. In his arms was Naruto, lightly snoring and with the frying pan again in his hand.

"Was it the girls?" Kakashi asked.

The chuunin strolled over and laid the blonde on the couch. "No, it was the medicine you gave him. It didn't take very long to kick in, though… How much did you give him?"

Kakashi's visible eye closed as he smiled. "Borderline overdose."

Iruka chuckled, obviously thinking that he was kidding. "All right." He headed for the stairs. "I'll try to keep things _somewhat_ orderly up here. See you." A light snore again erupted from Naruto as the brunette went back upstairs.

Attention again went to the stick in Kakashi's hand. "So anyway," he went on, "like Sasukeitis, there isn't really a _cure_ for emo-ness." Sasuke cocked an eyebrow and had a clear 'WTF?' expression at the mention of 'Sasukeitis'. "All I can do is demonstrate what his behavior is like, and hopefully he'll learn a lesson from it."

Kakashi pulled on the preteen's arm to bring him closer. Sasuke attempted to pull away, now semi-afraid of what his sensei could do with that stick. "Wha- what're you doing?!"

"The _moral_ of lesson three-" said Kakashi, steadying a now squirming Uchiha. He turned his pupil around. "-is that Sasuke, you act like you have a stick constantly shoved up your ass. So-!"

"**OWWWWWWWW!**"

The stampede of fangirls was the first to answer Sasuke's scream. It took only second for everyone in the house to be on the first floor to see what was going on. Naruto asleep on the couch- odd that he wasn't being the loudest and center of attention, but normal. Kakashi chuckling- mildly frightening. Sasuke-

"**SASUKE-SAMA?!**" screamed the fangirls.

Said person was cowering in the corner farthest away from the Sharingan Warrior, looking over his left shoulder and glaring at him. The glare wasn't very menacing, since tears were like waterfalls coming from his eyes. The stick that had previously been in Kakashi's hand was still sticking out a few feet from his rear end.

"Everyone," Kakashi announced. "I give to you…" He held his arm up toward Sasuke, gesturing for attention to go to him. "Sasuke on a stick!"

Everyone's expressions were of shock. Girls were sobbing at their god's apparent pain and discomfort. Iruka's dropped jaw was directed more toward Kakashi for doing such a thing. Lee didn't seem to care and unpaused his game to continue playing. Naruto snored.

Sakura stared at her love from the middle of the staircase, her expression passive. It was like she'd adopted Lee's reaction to it by not caring. The sign was still hanging off her neck, but the plushie was firmly gripped in her right hand. She brought it up to face level to study it, then glance at 'Sasuke on a stick'. Once thinking for a moment, she pulled a used popsicle stick out of nowhere and shoved it up where the actual Sasuke's stick was. She held the plushie by its new stick and grinned.

**END**

Written 10-2-06, edited 10/7/13


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